But I can't see that happening any time soon.
So, I was going to make this really cute post of photos of myself when I was little. Instead I'm going to have a little rant and cry a bit.
My sister makes me feel horrible. Every time I ask for something, she acts like i'm a disgusting burden. I ask to come with her to do stuff when her boyfriend is around - the only time she actually does anything - and she says no because she wants to see him and spend all her time with him because she doesn't know when next she'll see him (it'll be the next weekend. it's always the next weekend). Whenever i just want to talk to her, she'll just ignore me and play with her phone and then kind of say "yeah" sometimes. Just now, I asked if she would drive me to school tomorrow. She went on a big rant about how exhausted she was and how she didn't want to have to do anything. I made the point that it really hurts to have to walk that far every day, and feeling so sick every day. She then started to rave when I walked away, saying "and now you're just gonna walk away and not go at all".
Here's a fucking newsflash for you. I don't have to go to school. I choose to. I wanted to go today. And I couldn't because of how sick I was this morning.
I told her just that. She then started going on about how I never do housework. Here's the funny thing. Just because you never look at me and never notice when I do things, does not mean I don't do them. I make dinner for myself most nights. I wash up my plates and cups every time I use them. I feed and water the animals. I check the animals for ticks and parasites. I babysit your fucking kids every time you ask, not because I want to, but because if I ever said no, you'd scream at me and make me feel horrible. I never go anywhere. I stay home. I sit in my room. I have less than any grip on reality. I never sleep, no matter what I do. You think your teenage demons were bad? Try having ones you can see.
No matter how you ridicule me, Courtney, no matter how you go on about how I'm obsessed with whatever, that I'm too over-the-top, that i'm ungrateful, whatever, it's not going to be made up for by the very few nice things you say to me. The kind of things you've been saying to me lately, the way you've been treating me, you probably won't ever make that up to me.
You say that Shaun and I are obsessed with one another. It's not like you're obsessed with your boyfriend or anything. It's not like you wrap his shirt around your pillow and spray it with his cologne or anything. It's not like you call him all the time and ignore everyone, including your children, to talk to him. I get it. He's the current love of your life. I fucking understand you've had shit boyfriends. But does that mean no one else matters? Does this mean I'm not worth existing?
When I walk around being me, guys, it's not anyone else's opinions or scrutiny that bothers me. It's my sister's. When she says something horrible to me, or gives me a negative comment, I cry. I really do. Pretty much every time. No one else's opinions matter to me this much. Not my parent's, not my friend's. Maybe Shaun's, but even then.
So go ahead. Make fun of me for having to find something to obsess over and be consumed in. Say I'm obsessed with the cats. Say I'm obsessed with Pratchett. Say I'm obsessed with Shaun. Do you know what? Not everyone has a good reality they can be obsessed with. Not everyone has such a oh so perfect boyfriend. Not everyone is finishing highschool because they want to go to university and have a future.
I just don't understand that, whenever I ask for something, I'm the worst person in the world, but whenever I try and leave, I'm not a burden at all. I am forced to stay here, and most of the time, I feel like I'm dying, and I wish I was being melodramatic. I feel so out-of-place and like the whole world is against me. I am losing grip on reality, to the point I couldn't even tell you how many real people are in the room.
Do you know the worst part, guys? The worst part is, my sister will never read this. My sister will never know what she's doing to me, until it's gone too far.
I just hope i can get through.
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